Employee retention is such a struggle. After you got your billion dollar value, people came pouring in to work for you. Angel investors were doling out cash like it in no way impacted their lives (thanks mom and dad!) and you had more office NERF guns and bean bag chairs than you could ever possibly use. Life felt so good then, it’s hard to believe it was three whole weeks ago.
Since then your beloved startup has been hemorrhaging people. And they leave for the silliest reasons, citing issues like, “I need actual medical insurance,” and, “why do you have a beer tap but no water fountain?” It takes a bold mind to replace the HR department with a ping-pong table, and not everyone can see that. But now they don’t need to!
What’s the magical alternative?
Enter namaSTAY, the UMS (Unicorn Management Software) that is guaranteed to one-up any other company’s benefits.
NamaSTAY works by scanning social profiles such as LinkedIn and Instagram to find your employee’s previous employers, identify their benefits, and custom-tailor benefits packages for each applicant. These custom packages improve on their former packages, offering slightly more attractive options, encouraging your new hires to actually stick around instead of running back to stuffy old places that offer things like reasonable maternity leave and job security.
Auto-Perk Technology This is the innovative software engine that powers namaSTAY’s social media crawler and generates one-up options.
Checklist Generator To help you be sure you’re offering cooler stuff than your competition.
Special upgrade option: Perks Financing Options! To help you find ways to pay for all these awesome benefits.
NamaSTAY integrates fully with other great programs like LIMS: LaCroix Inventory Management System and ConstantBuzz, both of which are very hot to have right now.
It also has a super cool name that implies lululemon-clad yoga instructors working on software, which is exactly the aesthetic your startup wants to project!
Reviewers are raving
“As a recruiter, my new hire and employee retention rate has never been higher. I hardly have to work to “sell” my company to candidates any more, the customized perks make it almost impossible for employees to turn down my offers.”
However, reviewers also note:
“Company profitability has plummeted in the past Quarter trying to keep up with all the individual requests and we have had to hire a team of personal assistants…but that’s not my problem!”
“The problem with having customized packages with namaSTAY is that every employee is promised a different perk. And in the end it turns into a logistical nightmare. We have only 10 people at our company promised free brunch, which makes it awkward for the others who want a mimosa… Only half of the company is allowed to own a horse in our private stable, and the other half are the only people with motorized scooters. There needs to be more consistency in the program…”
The bottom line
Is namaSTAY the solution to all your employee retention issues? Of course it is! You should go buy it right now, immediately.